


Unnamed Valentine's Ficlet

by bubbysbub



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Female Bilbo, Porn, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:45:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3347462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubbysbub/pseuds/bubbysbub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A slightly exasperated Hobbit-in-the-middle porn piece. </p><p>A Valentines Day extra for the cute little peeps, and a fun exercise in writing dearest Bilbo as a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unnamed Valentine's Ficlet

**Author's Note:**

> Beta Beth is pretty amazing, peeps. I send her the fic at 11:30 at night with a plea for a look through, and it's back in my inbox by the time I look at 7:30 the next morning, spelling and grammar fixed, highlights on the bits that need fixing, and commentary of plot. She's pretty damn amazing, and I love her. LOVE HER.

Bilba hadn't actually meant for things to get this far. Really, she didn't. 

It wasn't that Hobbits were particularly prudish, by any means; while they weren't exactly... _encouraged_ to experiment, the older generation was certainly willing to look the other way. As long as everyone stayed polite and reasonable about these things, mind, and as long as one had the common sense not to get themselves in, let's say, the family way. Even then, when Rose May Bollard had suddenly swollen quite generously, and then refused to marry young Arnegus Loftwad (the lad had been, the rumours said, less than impressive in many, many ways), it was the polite thing to simply refer to young Rose as 'Mrs Bollard' and leave it at that. While it wasn't, well, _approved_ of, Hobbits were certainly too polite for anything more than some discreetly whispered gossip over afternoon tea and elevenses. 

So it wasn't that Bilba was too shy or inexperienced enough to know exactly how she had come to be like this- she knew her way around her bits, thankyou very much. She'd read a lewd tale or two, books so detailed and passionate as to leave one heaving for breath and locking oneself in the bedroom for an hour or four. She'd kissed a few boys in her time, and even a few lasses, even let them have a bit of a wander with their hands, and maybe a little more if she could trust them. Bilba was not unknown to the pleasures of the flesh. Oh, no, it wasn't inexperience that was the problem.

It's that she _really didn't know how she had come to be like this_.

"Alright there?" Thorin asked her, running a soothing palm down her spine, and she nodded and gasped some more, a very unladylike grunt working its way out her throat as she let her weight lower her a little more, squeaking as she went.

"Easy," Dwalin cautioned, gasping a little himself underneath her. And that was fine for him to say, being that all he had to do was lie there; it was Bilba that had to deal with the great massive thing she was lowering herself onto, bit by torturous bit.

"We've got all night," Dwalin said then, and if Bilba wasn't far too busy to answer, she'd be giving him a talking to! This was effort enough without considering doing this _all night_.

"Still got me to take," Thorin said behind her, kissing down her back, right down to her bottom, and nope, she wasn't thinking about that. One thing at a time, thank you very much.

That got her giggling. And then gasping, because oh, she'd moved down a bit doing that.

Dwalin was moaning, curling upwards, his big hands completely encompassing her hips, and by all that was made by the Valar above, it was arousing as anything, and she'd be shivering at the feel of those large hands holding her _entire_ hips, and well, she was, but again, her concentration was sort of on bigger matters.

She giggled again, breaking off into a long breathy moan and sinking down a little further, head tilting back to stare at the ceiling, wide eyed and unseeing.

Thorin pressed against her back, his own bigger thing pressing insistently against the swell of her bum, and she lost herself to snickering again. It was entirely possible she was a bit drunk on endorphins.

"What _are_ you giggling about?" Thorin asked, sliding his hands over Dwalin’s and up, over the curve of her belly and up to her breasts, cupping them easily. Giant hands. Oh. She shivered all over again, and he tugged at her nipples, lips grazing at her shoulder. "Every time you giggle like that, you drive Dwalin mad with it."

"Do you know how that feels?" Dwalin choked out, glaring at Thorin over her shoulder, hands gently massaging where they gripped her hips. She giggled again, a gurgling hiccup that did something inside, something that made Dwalin gasp and jerk, sliding almost all the rest of way in, and Bilba shrieked, head flying back onto Thorin's shoulder, her back arching hard and stiff.

"Shit! Lass, ye alright? I didn't mean ta-"

"Keep going," Bilba managed, feeling the sweat sliding down all over her overheated body, slicking everything a little too much, if she was thinking of it. She managed to relax herself out from her stiff bow, daring to curl forward a bit, brace herself on Dwalin's hard chest and flex a little, her eyes crossing at the feel. "Oh, _there_ , right there, pull, I cannot make the last of it by myself, _pull-_ "

Thorin put his hands over Dwalins and pushed downwards, and Dwalin was all the way in, and Bilba felt like a poor wee coney shoved onto a great massive log to spit, she really really did, and that set her to giggle again, breathless and more than a little hysterical. 

"Dearest, I must insist you assure us you are well, or we shall halt," Thorin said by her ear, low and rough, and she moaned, hips canting a little at the feel of his breath wisping hot against her sensitive ears. 

" _Do_ get on with it," she gasped, and then groaned and bent near in half when Dwalin lifted her up and back down a little, her forehead resting on his sternum.

"Bilba?" Dwalin asked, voice strangled and hoarse, and she nipped at his skin, giggling again when his hair caught on her lips.

"Do that again," she said, licking at the droplets of sweat on a swirling chest tattoo, and he made a noise, high pitched and squeaky, and then cleared his throat, blush working its way up his neck, and Bilba's giggles started afresh.

Biting her lip to help hide her grin, she braced on hand on Dwalin's wide chest, and felt down below her until she could work her fingers around the length currently buried to the hilt in her. Dwalin's breathing hastened when she got her grip, and she rose, holding him steady before allowing herself to slide down a little faster than she had gone up. 

All three of them moaned in concert, and Bilba did it again.

"Oh, you would not believe how that looks," Thorin whispered harsh and reverent behind her, and she rose a bit higher, letting herself fall a little on the downstroke, eyes rolling back in her head at the variation in the feel, the depths that Dwalin was touching within her.

She panted and moved a little faster, Dwalin assisting now, a good thing, as she could not help the involuntary twists and jerks her hips made as she bounced, now, quivering and shaking, heat throbbing in her thighs and right in the base of her abdomen.

"If you want to do this," Dwalin gasped, red faced and panting, his own hips jerking and twisting, "you'd better move fast. She ain't far off, and neither am I."

"Better hold her," Thorin said, and Dwalin let go of her hips to pull her down flush against him, resting her against his chest. The move made her whine, and her hips flex, desperate for a little more movement to reach that point she'd been reaching for.

"Not yet," Thorin said, and Bilba growled, clenching her hands around Dwalin's biceps in frustration.

"Best get on, or she'll be out for your balls. And not in a good way," Dwalin laughed, hugging her tight. Bilba growled again; just because she was a little beyond words right now, didn't mean that she wasn-

_Oh!_

"Big, _big_ fingers, big," she panted, and Thorin laughed. 

"Something bigger yet to come," he said, finger moving in and out of her arse gently. 

"I can feel you being smug," Bilba managed to gasp. "And I am not amused."

"I'm devastated," Thorin murmured against one of the cheeks of her bottom, and then _licked_ , all around where his finger was moving in and out. Bilba moaned and quivered into Dwalin's chest, kneading her fingers into Dwalin's arms when a second finger worked in beside the other, eased by the slick tongue stabbing and swirling.

"You're opening so _easily_ ," Thorin said happily, fingers picking up speed to fuck in and out in a fast rhythm that left her mouth agape and moaning continuously. 

"Thorin," Dwalin gasped beneath her. "Thorin, please."

"Soon," Thorin said against the curve of the small of her back, nudging gently against Dwalin's arm where it gripped her hip so tightly. "Can't hurt our Hobbit, can we?"

"No," Dwalin groaned, and yanked Billa into a heated kiss, all aggressive tongues and barely sealed lips, Bilba being very busy moaning to attempt to keep them liplocked.

She barely noticed the third finger, since Dwalin had decided on a distraction in the way of nibbling along her neck while worrying at one nipple, swirling about it and then tugging, again and again, until she was wiggling in his grasp and sliding her legs against the delightfully furry thighs of Dwalins in frustration.

She definitely noticed the fourth, arching back with a great sighing cry, eyes falling shut and face slack from the shock of it. That was significantly wider.

"Still with us, dearest?" Thorin asked innocently, moving lower to lick over the place where she was stretched wide over Dwalin, and they both wailed at the feel. 

"Thorin, Thorin please, please I _can't_ -" Dwalin chanted, hips jerking erratically under her, and she let herself unbow, burying her face in his chest again and pummelling the sheets either side of them with her fists.

"Alright. Steady on, you two," Thorin said, shifting behind them, and sounding far too amused. She'd make him pay for that later.

The press against her bum felt entirely too wide, and entirely too _not going in_ for her liking.

" _Thorin_ ," she gritted out, another terribly unlady-like grunt working its way out her chest at the push, and Thorin swore.

"This isn't as easy as it seems, you know," he grumbled behind her, and finally, finally, he shifted and lifted her leg a little and she opened around him as he pushed forward.

"Ulmo's seaweed wrapped _balls_ ," Bilba swore, banging on the bed again with her fists. "Damnable Dwarrows and their _giant cocks!_ "

Dwalin gasped a laugh, but Thorin was all moans and helpless whimpers and sighs. It would be lovely to hear if she wasn't far too busy holding her breath and bearing down.

"Bilba, are you alright? You're going purple,"Dwalin asked, cupping her head and bringing her forehead to meet his own. Thorin stopped moving, gasping, but petted her back and waited for her answer.

"This," she started on a whoosh of breath, and then stopped to whine a little. "This will be lovely if we can get through this awkward uncomfortable bit. So if you could just get on with it...?"

Thorin made a noise that was perhaps an affirmative and took her hips in his hands, thrusting forward once, twice and a third time to push forward and drive himself in and all the way to the balls and she shouted, fists slamming into the slickness of Dwalin's chest.

Dwalin, however, was rising beneath her, his hips coming up off the bed as he whined, eyes screwed shut. His beard was all but stuck to his chest and curling with sweat, and he started to chant again under his breath, reaching to hold onto Thorin's hips.

"So tight, can feel you pressed against me _through_ her, _Thorin_ , it's so good, _so_ \- Oh, please, now, I need to, please-"

Bilba halted his nonsensical rambling by the simple method of sliding her finger into his mouth, though that backfired entirely when he eagerly swirled his tongue about it, hot and slick and sucking as they settled into their individual thrusts. She let her head thunk back on Dwalin's chest again, and bit at the flesh there, the smell and taste of him sharp and hot and metallic tang, heady and addictive.

Their thrusts were erratic and unmatched, and as much as she wanted to rise into them, it felt as if she were to move an inch on her own she would knock them both from their rhythm, so she lay against Dwalin and moaned and panted and begged and _wallowed_. It was a little too slick, their skin flushed and sheened, dripping now from the effort, a little irritating from the sheer amount of hair grinding against her, and later she would be wrinkling her nose at the amount of mess they were making and wincing at the sting of rubbed raw flesh, but for now, all that just seemed to add to the sheer amount of _sensation_ that was building and distracted far too much by a peak that seemed to be just out of reach.

As good as it was, as wonderful as it was to hear their cries and moans, see Dwalin, at least, lost in his pleasure, and feel the shift and tension of their bodies against her own, it wasn't _enough_ , and she gathered herself enough to slash one hand through the air and demand, "Harder. I want harder, _harder_ , right now."

"Are you sure?" Thorin asked, or rather, wheezed, breathless and jerking behind her, and Bilba shifted just enough to scowl over her shoulder at him. He made a delightful picture, face slack and desperate, hair in absolute disarray.

"Am I sure? Are _you_ sure you want to face the consequences if you _don't_ do as you are told?" she demanded, and Dwalin's hips jerked, and he wrapped his arms up around the both of them.

"Good enough for me," he panted, and his hips set to work, and oh, he was already in trouble if he had been holding back that much all this time, because now he was finally doing things the proper way, -and there was a chance they would be fetching all the breakfasts and elevenses for her to eat in bed after this- and as for Thorin, he lasted one strangled sound behind her before he was getting down to business himself, and there would be no walking again, not ever, and Bilba was left clutching at Dwalin's arms and drooling on his chest as her slack mouth made unintelligible chirping noises she would surely be embarrassed by later.

Nothing for it, though, because her boys could _fuck_ , and she would surely die from it, surely, drowned in a puddle of bodily fluids and burnt to a crisp from friction-based combustion, speared on giant ridiculously sized members, and the fleeting thought earned one last breathless giggle before she was shrieking and arching and lost in stars and streaking light blinding her to anything but this, _this right here yes-_

Dwalin bellowed and gave a mighty heave under her, holding her tight and flinging his head back, eyes screwed tight as he murmured what sounded like reverent prayers in Khuzdul as Bilba's vision swirled and cleared, body weakening in the wake of the most incredible peak of her entire life, but Thorin was still going, panting harshly and thrusting furiously, tiny breathy sounds of appreciation becoming more and more urgent. Bilba reached back awkwardly and wrapped an unsteady hand in the hair at the base of his head and _pulled_ , squeezing down on his thrusting cock as she did, and Thorin went still and gasped, and then thrust furiously, once, twice, and then holding against her.

"Bilba," he whispered urgently, " _Bilba_."

All she could manage in return was a gurgling moan, face buried in Dwalin's chest again, gracelessly flopping as exhaustion crashed in on her.

Thorin collapsed on top of her, and she gurgled again, but heavy as he was, it was at this moment, perfect, and she was too busy being dead of everything to worry over much anyway.

"Too heavy?" Thorin asked into her hair after a long moment of panting, and she made a deep belly sound that she meant as a negative, but sounded anything but.

"Nrgggrl, 's fine. Dwa?"

"Narpf," Dwalin said, or something, and it sounded like a no, so nobody moved for a long time, sweat dripping off the lot of them, and hair started to itch in some very uncomfortable places, but all three of them far too exhausted to do anything about it.

That was, right up until Dwalin's cock made a splurchy sort of plopping noise as it slid back and out of Bilba, and fluid went everywhere.

"Oh, _yuck,_ " she said flatly, ignoring the both of them when they started to snigger. Ugh, it was _everywhere_. 

Their snickers had them _both_ sliding wetly out, and she yelped when she felt a whole 'nother lot of fluid flow down and-

"Oh, the sheets are ruined. I am not sleeping on that."

"I'll get someone to come and change them," Thorin chuckled, kissing down her back a ways while he gently finished detaching himself and backing away to flop across the bed beside them. 

"You mean make some poor sod of a servant come and clean up your come for you?" Bilba demanded, completely scandalised, ignoring their helpless giggles in favour of the graceless task of dismounting, thoroughly grateful when Dwalin wrapped his hands around her hips and lifted her clean off him, handing her to Thorin to lower down.

"Ow, cramp," she moaned, rubbing at her leg, and ignoring the still snickering fellows, sighing at the wonderful feeling of stretching flat again after all that. "The both of you are crude and disgusting and I still have no idea how I came to be in this position."

"We'll change the sheets ourselves," Thorin promised her, still laughing, curling around her and stroking a hand over Dwalin's hip when he too curled into them. "After a bath."

"You don't remember how you came to be here?" Dwalin said idly, grabbing Thorin's hand off his hip and kissing each of the fingers gently. "Because I distinctly recall you standing in front of a thousand and some Dwarrows today and swearing marriage oaths to both myself and the boof here, and watching us do the same for you and each other."

"Oh yes," she mused. "I remember now. Wonder what possessed me to do that?"

"You love us," Thorin crooned, rolling enough to bury his head in the space between her breasts, nuzzling back and forth against her skin. "Loooooove us."

Bilba descended into giggles as Thorin rubbed his head back and forth again, and then lower, burying his face in her rounded Hobbit tum and humming happily, and Dwalin chuckled, tired and content, shifting to pillow his head on her shoulder and run his fingers through Thorin's hair. 

"I'm not sure I could manage to do this every night, though," Bilba said after a moment, bits twinging a bit from the use. It was also most definitely time for a bath, she thought with a wrinkle of her nose.

"Well, we won't be doing this _every_ night," Dwalin said.

"Yes, not with the impressive number of items Dwalin has managed to pick up from the naughtier area of the market," Thorin said, head rising to grin at her. "I think you'll quite like what he's acquired. You'll have one of us in the middle, some nights, or both of us at your mercy, if you desire it."

"Stop pretending you didn't buy at least half of that," Dwalin insisted, and then shifted, grimacing at the squelch. "Alright, yes, time to bathe, and these sheets need to go."

"One of you in the middle?" she asked, curiosity stirring in her at the thought. Thorin hummed and grinned and exchanged delighted looks with Dwalin.

"Oh yes, there are some devices, that you can wear..." he trailed off, eyebrows raising meaningfully, and Bilba tilted her head in consideration.

"You'd best fetch them, then," she sighed. "Well," she elaborated when they both looked at her. "If we are going to have to change the sheets anyway, we may as well dirty them properly. That is, unless you are both too tired?"

"I'm awake," Thorin said brightly, and Dwalin dove under the bed to drag out a large chest and threw it open.

"Best marriage ever," he grinned.

***

**Author's Note:**

> So... been a while since I've had to write porn. I'm not sure if I still know how. Be honest, how shitty was it?


End file.
